Sometimes I confuse myself. I get wildly and pointlessly jealous. I spend too much time hating my bum. And you know what I hate more than my bum? My preoccupation with my bum. I've had sexual experiences with boys I wasn't really in to, but I got a post-coital crush on them. I've ruined the start of a relationship by immediately imagining it going into reverse.

There is so much about my behaviour I want to understand. So I started researching what makes me - and us - tick. And what I read made my eyes fall out of my face.

Reader, here is everything I've learned from science about love, sexuality, infidelity, boobs, periods, pubes, broodiness, and clever old fat. Merry Christmas and Hallelujah, suddenly being a woman doesn't look like such a minefield after all.